Soy Sauce and a Socially Awkward Pre-Teen

There is a surprising amount of calories in a bag of LifeSavers Gummies.

Tomorrow marks the first day of the third week of a self-improvement initiative spurred in part by an awkward moment post-gutterball while bowling during which I fell to the ground in protest of said gutterball only to reveal a tiny sliver of...buttcrack.  "ENOUGH!" I said in a fit of humiliation and hypocrisy.  Refer to CheeseFriesRants blog post dated August 27th, 2009 for a full synopsis of my opinions about the uninvited buttcrack appearance.

I had become one of them.  My options were threefold:

1.  Buy larger pants, thus preventing further peekings.

2.  Surgically remove my buttcrack to prevent further accidental appearance.

3.  De-thunder my thighs to return them to their pre-grad school state, thus needing neither larger pants nor surgical alteration of crack length.

Results so far have been mixed.

Lets take it back to last Monday morning.  I stumbled out of bed at the wee hours of 5:30 AM to strap on my road shoes and climb into the saddle of my roadbike affixed upon a stationary trainer, a new years resolution purchase which lasted a whole two weeks.  I pedaled along to a podcast coached by a woman entirely too cheery to listen to before dawn.  As she prompted me to crank my resistance, I obliged, only to find myself toppling to the ground, hip bruised, rug-burned, and shocked.

It takes a special person to fall off a stationary bike.

It happened twice.  I took the next day off.

I tried running at the work gym, ignoring the fact that a tumble from a treadmill amongst a gaggle of coworkers could be deemed a form of social suicide.  (Although not as extreme a form as Mathletes).  My problem with the work gym, however, is the loss of anonymity.  My reputation at work does not need to be marred by the visual of me fist pumping to Lady Gaga.  

I took today off from spinning to go to Costco.  Please congratulate me for not indulging in what might be the world's greatest deal:  Polish Dog and Diet Coke for $1.25.  You may do so by leaving a comment at the bottom on this post.

Never again will I go to Costco on a Sunday afternoon without the accompaniment of some sort of cattle dog.  Quite literally, everybody and their second cousin Billy Bob was there.  To cite the words of a great Indian sage, whom I will dub "Dupli," "Maybe Costco is the new Wal Mart."

It would be a shame for me not to share some of my observations.

Odd Costco Shopper #1

Character Description:  Middle aged caucasian male, slightly rotund, burnt salmon t shirt, sweat stained visor, olive green zip off cargos and Tevas.

Location:  Condiments and sauces.

Oddity:  As I carefully calculated  how many ounces of ketchup necessary to saturate 500 burgers, Odd Costco Shopper #1 sauntered toward me muttering under his breath, "Kikkoman...Kikkoman...Kikkoman," each time changing his intonation as if he were trying to guess the correct pronunciation.  As he came closer, Costco Shopper #1 veered right as if to avoid my cart, then stopped right in front of it.  Absentmindedly, he grabbed the hem of his t shirt and proceeded to wipe his face with it.  Blinded by the pasty white hue of his fully exposed gut, I averted my eyes and pretended to text until he left, which he did, this time muttering "No....no...no," while pointing to which condiments he did not intend to purchase. 

Odd Costco Shopper #2

Character Description:  Adolescent female, lime green cami, navy blue sweats, rust orange dog collar.

Location:  Checkout

Oddity:  Um, it should be obvious.  The collar.  I'm not sure if it was a budget attempt to mimic the punked out fashion extremists of the 90s, or a vestigial remnant of being a leash-kid.  I wasn't aware that Petco had expanded its target demographic to include the troubled socially awkward adolescent.  Of course, I'm not one to talk, as I had my awkward fashion statements at that age.  As I remember, my favorite T shirt was an oversized, aged Crazy Shirts Maui relic sporting the phrase "DIG IT!"  On top of that, I occasionally wore hiking boots in an urban setting.

On that note, I'd like to state that I have zero qualms about children on leashes.  If your kid is going to run off and terrorize other shoppers, please do us all a favor and put it on a leash.  I do not know why it is illegal to walk down the street with a well behaved unleashed dog, yet it is perfectly legal to let disease spreading tiny humans roam free.  

Next time I need to go to Costco, I'm bringing a cattle dog to help me navigate through the crowd.  I'll use my child on a leash argument if anyone protests the herding.  

At least the Costco Oddities left me only one sample taste, which aligns with my de-thunder thigh attempts.

Which brings me back to my original point.  There are surprisingly a lot of calories in a bag of LifeSavers Gummies.  My nausea tells me that they're not meant for one person to inhale the entire bag in one afternoon.  But I couldn't help it, I had already sacrificed so much.  And by "sacrifice" I mean that putting the Snickers Squared back on the shelf was justification for eating the first half of the bag.  Second half justification came in the form of resisting the urge to have a glass of wine, knowing full well that another day in the fridge would further oxidize it.  All in the name of unintentional buttcrack appearance.

The Five Forces and Your Everyday Hobag

Today we take a page out of the Charlotte York Book of Life, circa season 3, episode 7, entitled “Drama Queens.”  In this Sex and the City chapter, Ms. York (now Goldenblatt) adopts a strategic plan to comb through New York City’s male population in search for the latest Prince Charming.  York approaches her objective primarily through leveraging her network, a concept practiced frequently among the career minded and employment deprived.  Despite Ms. York’s methodology, however, her attempts prove to be unsuccessful; leading her to be the recipient on an unwelcome declaration of love, and a literal stumble upon her soon to be first husband whose flaccid tendencies form roots in what will eventually become a pain-riddled divorce.

Ms. York’s strategy, while well intentioned, was misaligned from her desired acquisition.  Such misalignment as is found in Ms. York’s strategy is regarded among industry experts as a classic blunder in misinterpretation of environmental perceptions.  In an effort to analyze the effectiveness of Ms. York’s approach, we have performed a case study examining four twenty-something single women in the budding metropolis of Sacramento, California.  We uncover the true nature of the industry in which they compete – said industry being none other than the Sacramento Singles Scene (SSS).  Through critical analysis of the four women’s strategic positioning within the market, we have compiled a set of recommendations for creating a competitive advantage within the SSS and ultimately for achieving the chief goal for SSS competitors; acquisition of a male counterpart and departure from market competition.

Our four subjects have positioned themselves well within SSS and combined have over 40 years of industry experience.   We will henceforth refer to this harem as Jonah, Inc., a partnership established in September 2009 upon our subjects’ first mutual encounters within the daunting classroom walls of their first three of what would become hundreds of hours of graduate education.  Jonah, Inc.’s strategy is to acquire male counterparts whom fit each partner’s desired metrics through tactical leverage of her own competitive advantage.

A careful look at Michael Porter’s “Five Competitive Forces That Shape Strategy” most certainly could have improved York’s chances for success in her acquisition, and as such will be the primary framework for the examination of the SSS industry and Jonah, Inc’s strategic position within it.

Threat of Entrants

High industry turnover is of great concern for SSS.  Most threatening in particular to Jonah, Inc. is the small-brained-large-breasted-floozie-skankasaur about whom the typical male fantasizes.  Specific examples of small-brained-large-breasted-floozie-skankasaurs include Jessica Simpson pre-Nick Lachey, Paris Hilton post sex-tape, Lindsey Lohan pre-prison-term and this Kim Kardashian character, pre-Keeping Up.  (Reference here must be made to “keeping up,” for which I’m sure for some males, she’s certainly a big help).  Threat of entry of the small-brained-large-breasted-floozie-skankasaur (who will henceforth be referred to as a hobag) and similar types is significant primarily due to the lack of barriers to entry to which she faces.  Barriers are minimal, at best.  Hobags can enter the SSS industry with a quick breakup, a sign of a local lease, an eighteenth birthday, or myriad whims.  The insignificance of barriers to entry are of concern to Jonah, Inc. as its principal partners battle the foes of the latter twenties, some of which take the form of slowing metabolisms, crows feet, cynicism, and multiple feline attainment.  As skankasaurs continue to enter the market, Jonah will find itself forced to adopt the practices, strategies, and general hobagologies of its new competitors, in an “If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em” style.  Such adaptation may necessitate resemblance to those practices perfected by Cougar, LLC., an aging company forced resort to liposuction, botox, and breast augmentation as levelers on a playing field designed for a younger competitor. 

Power of Buyers

Of all of Porter’s forces, this one definitely has the gravest effect on the achievement of Jonah’s strategic goals.  The buyer, here, is the aforementioned male counterpart (MC) whose acquisition is the company’s strategy in and of itself.   Male counterpart acquisitions come few and far between for Jonah, as MCs are frequently victimized by the freshly manicured claws of the small-brained-large-breasted-floozie-skankasaur mentioned previously.  It should be no surprise that if the MCs aren’t buying Jonah’s product, then its strategy, although well intentioned, is neither achieving the primary goals of the company, nor is it executing well.  As the graph below indicates, Jonah’s strategy execution has wavered throughout the last calendar year.

Power of Suppliers

The power of the supplier in the SSS industry is much debated.  The supplier in this industry is the firm’s own human capital.  Popular culture and industry experts’ analyses of human capital power are largely exaggerated, stating that it is in fact the supplier who holds the power in the business of MC acquisition.  If this is the case, then Jonah, Inc. is in need of a deliberate directional change in strategy, which may resort to taking the form of small-brained-large-breasted-floozie-skankasaur hobagology practice mimicry.  Other options include web-based matching services, relocation, strategic network diversity expansion, acquisition metric re-evaluation, and convent-entry. 

Threat of Substitutes

The threat of substitutes is negligible, as there are few legal substitutes to the product in discussion.  More threatening are both the MC’s departure from and inactivity within the market due to fear, laziness, pornography addiction, and preference to allocate more time chill with his bros with some beers and a lighter for igniting each of their respective flatulence.

Rivalry Among Existing Competitors

As previously discussed, the SSS industry is characterized by brutal competitors, many of which have little regard for neither ethics nor conventional methods of MC acquisition.  Beyond the concern of entry of the hobag is the static existence of the everyday serial-MC thieving slut-faced-walk-of-shame-sloretart.  Sloretart market presence threatens Jonah’s strategy, as they set their product offering prices at low rates with which Jonah refuses to compete.  Frequently influenced by a concoction containing three parts Vodka and one part low self esteem, the sloretart will lower her market price to an empty-compliment or a last-call Bud Light.  While Jonah’s starting rates remain much higher than those of the sloretart (generally floating at a unique combination of several dinners and prolonged textual and social media communication) , the quality and integrity of the product is significantly higher.  However, many buyers have high negotiating leverage due to their attitude toward discount market prices; which indicates that Jonah’s prices may in fact be the nail in the figurative coffin of spinsterdom. 

Key Takeaways

Critical evaluation of Jonah’s pricing policy and general strategy indicates that a lower price threshold is the easiest way to place itself within direct competition with both the hobag and the sloretart.  However, to do so would be to compromise the mission, vision, and values upon which the firm was founded.  It remains to be seen which strategy Jonah will adopt in the near future, but it is abundantly clear that such a change is necessary in order to improve success in MC Acquisition within the SSS.

Message from the author:  This post is dedicated to Partners 1, 2, and 3 of Jonah, Inc.  – Three fabulous women whose support, friendship, humor, generosity, and Dougie workshops are invaluable, yet worth their weight in gold.  Clap.