Bachelor #1, if you were an animal...

It's December 28th, which according to my calculations, means that I have 3 days to achieve my 2010 resolution of not spending another New Years single.

Crap.

Since apparently, the real world is not working out for me, I have decided to explore my options within the cartoon world. Perhaps my 2010 search for a male counterpart has been too narrow. I have performed a deep analysis of my standards and I have decided that the first requirement to go is the mandatory 3-dimensional state.

I have outlined below my list of suitors.

Bachelor #1: Mr. Opportunity

What's not to like? He's got a good job in marketing for one of the world's largest automobile manufacturers. He's a nice dresser and has a full head of hair. He appears to have a decent sense of humor, and my hope is that he likes good wine and sushi. I'm sure his connections could afford me with a 2011 CRV, and if I'm lucky, I could probably get butt warmers in the seats.

What can I say, the MBA has taught me to leverage my network.

Bachelor #2: Prince Eric

He has a boat, and a chef that specializes in seafood cuisine. He's a dog lover, and a philanthropist. He loves to fish and go out on the town. Did I mention that he's a prince and lives in a castle?

Bachelor #3: Clark Kent

He works two jobs, and still manages to maintain a pretty slammin' bod. He has a passion for crime reduction, and he knows the value of a tailored suit. Also, he can fly.

Bachelor #4: Buzz Lightyear

He's in aerospace and is revered among his peers. While he does have a slightly inflated ego, Mr. Lightyear has a good heart and will save the galaxy at all costs. He also flies.

Wish me luck as I narrow this list and choose this New Year's Eve winner. The lucky gentleman will receive a commemorative coin featuring my face beside a lovely scene of fireworks atop the vast Sacramento cityscape.

Perhaps next year I can count on meeting some eligible 3-dimensional options, but for now, I think I'll stick to an animated selection. Think of the benefits:

• Lack of body odor
• They literally have a mute button
• They don't fart

I think I've made my case.

It's the holidays, and I need an extra finger.

There is no better time than the holidays to be constantly reminded that there are certain tasks in life which require more than two hands. From Thanksgiving through New Years, not only does the single, able-bodied, two-handed individual get the pleasure of the constant reminder of singlehood with hand-in-hand couples blocking the mall corridors and invitations to the inevitable New Years Party alongside 25 enamored couples (the culmination of which will be spent awkwardly standing in the corner with a glass -- no, bottle -- of champagne, trying not to make eye contact with anyone), but also does he/she get anointed with the annual reminder that there are just some holiday things that require at least one more hand than the average homo sapien sapien is equipped.

Fear not, this is a problem I will solve. I will channel my bitter energy into something good.

Today, I introduce to you a line of products which will solve the three-hand-need-problem.

I give you: POCKET PHALANGES.

Are you tired of not being able to complete simple tasks while you're home alone in your high school gym shorts having a philosophical debate with your microwave?

If you've answered yes to this question, then Pocket Phalanges is right for you.

Our line of unique, innovative products will save you from an acute disorder called patheticandaloneapnia (PAA). Pocket Phalanges were developed by our team of researchers who share your condition, and who have used their expertise to refuse to bow down to this debilitating disease. Our line of products is designed with you in mind, and we guarantee you will find many of our products useful:

Cake Batter Bowl Holder

What do you do when you're baking a cake for Anna Howard Shaw Day, and you need that extra hand to hold the bowl while you spatula the batter into the pan? This three-handed task is the source of many frustration with PAA. The Pocket Phalanges Cake Batter Bowl Holder solves all your bowl handling problems with a height and angle adjustable bowl stand featuring an ALL NEW tilt feature so you can spatula with one hand while Facebook stalking your ex's new girlfriend with the other. An added plus is that the Cake Batter Bowl Holder doesn't judge you when you lick the bowl clean.

Bridget Jones "All By Myself" Ribbon Finger

How about all those times that you've been wrapping gifts, and you need that extra finger for tying the ribbon? Well, despite the fact that you're not wrapping any gifts for a cherished significant other, you still need that extra finder. The Pocket Phalanges Bridget Jones "All By Myself" Ribbon Finger comes to your rescue in the form of a perfectly manicured index-finger silicone wrist attachment. Choose from a Classic French Manicure, Seductive Red, and Playfully Pink. With "The Bridget," you'll never depend on a gift-wrapping buddy again!

Elizabeth Lemon Arm Extension Dress Zipper

How many times have you shown up at the office with your Jackie O Shift Dress zipped only half-way? The Elizabeth Lemon Arm Extension Dress Zipper will ensure that no longer will your cubicle-mate remind you to "zip-up!" before you head into your bi-weekly status update with your recently betrothed Department Intern. A life-like arm extender featuring a fully functional elbow and magnet-tipped fingers grabs a zipper-pull of any size with ease. "The Liz Lemon" is a must-have for the young, single professional wishing to avoid pairing each dress with a zipper-hiding coordinating cardigan sweater. One size fits all.

Miss Saigon Dominant Hand Nail Painter

Here at Pocket Phalanges Incorporated, we know that you don't enjoy the hassle of painting the nails on your non-dominant hand. Avoid the next smudge in your life with the Miss Saigon Dominant Hand Nail Painter. The battery-powered "Miss Saigon" uses genuine scrap-metal ball bearings to delicately paint your fingernails for your blind date with your mom's co-worker's son who graduated Magna Cum Laude from Refrigerator College. Compatible with all sizes of nail-polish brushes.

You can find any of these fabulous PAA cures at all of the following locations:

-Lean Cuisine Aisle, Walgreens

-All I'm Willing to Try Anything at this Point Speed Dating events
-Romantic Comedy Section, BlockBuster Video

-Granny Pants Section, Victoria's Secret

Give POCKET PHALANGES a try today! Call now and get a carry-all PAA Awareness tote, completely FREE!

POCKET PHALANGES. Take the hassle out of the single life.