No one cares, Political Facebook Status Updater.

Facebook is the world's greatest avenue for procrastination.

No, I take that back.

Facebook is the UNIVERSE'S greatest avenue for procrastination.

You know I'm right.

I am unwilling to admit to the public the number of times that I log on to Facebook each day. It is frightening. I enter the Facebook world for a brief moment of relaxation, and it turns into a whirlwind of photo comments oh wow, Joey got really drunk this weekend, bumper sticker and flair searches lol this one reminds me of that one inside joke that one person made that one time, becoming a fan of anything haha I too am a fan of not being on fire, and of course, the unavoidable stalking moments ohhh...so cute treadmill guy from the gym is single now *poke!*.

You know I'm right.

We all do it, whether we choose to admit it or not. In a few years, some burnt out dotcom exec with a severe internet addiction will start a Facebookaholic Anonymous group, and we can all participate in the 12 step program toward recovery. Until then, we just all have to feed our addictions. And quite frankly, I'm ok with that. I'm not ready to give it up. In fact, there have only been a few times in my Facebook lifetime in which I have seriously considered cutting ties and going cold turkey. Each and every one of those times has been due to....

THE POLITICAL ACTION FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE!!!

Duh - duh - duhhhhhhhhhhh.

And here we commence with the rant.

I have absolutely no desire to read what you think about Prop Whatever. I don't give a rat's ass about your opinion on the UC walkout. I couldn't care less about your stance on those hungry kids in Africa. I don't want to hear your whining about marriage equality. I don't need to hear what you have to say about illegal immigration, welfare, socialism, the war in Iraq, genocide in Darfur, George Bush's IQ, Obama's birth certificate, or how you define when life starts. Now, don't get me wrong, most of these are certainly important issues, and I have strong opinions on all of them. But damnit, I don't want to see it on Facebook. If you have ever posted anything political on your Facebook status, you have been hidden from my feed. I promise. I don't want to see it.

And no, if I agree, I won't post it as my status for the rest of the day. I will, however, post a smart ass comment in retaliation to yours, and flip the bird to your self righteous profile picture. And then you'll get clicked into the vast depths of hidden people that have also committed such an offense. Once you get clicked in, you've crossed the point of no return, there's no coming back. You're banned like Pewee Herman from elementary schools. If Dante were still breathing, I'm sure that he would reserve you people your very own circle of hell where you'd be forced to eat live kittens for all eternity.

Facebook statuses should be reserved for lighthearted humor, quick updates on day to day life, celebrity death announcements, life changing purchases, guitar hero high scores, triathlon splits, what you ate for dinner, mood descriptive philosophical song lyrics, today's hangover rating on a scale of 1 - 10, etc.

To help my readers understand, I have listed a number of acceptable status updates:

______ says, Patrick Swayze, Imma let you finish, but Michael Jackson had the best celebrity death OF ALL TIME!

______ wonders if we will ever experience a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.

______ is slappa da bass, mon.

______ is the proud owner of a brand new feather bed. Thanks to the 576 parakeets that sacrificed so much to make this possible.

______is feasting on a scrumptious lobster, chocolate, eggplant and sardine salad for dinner.

If you're confused, please feel free to send me your status updates for my approval before you post. I've got spare time. Bottom line -- just say NO to the Political Action Facebook Status Update. If someone asks you if you want to post something political, go tell an adult right away. Be above the influence. Find your anti-drug.

We can take Facebook back. This is where we fight! Fellow Facebookers, ready your breakfast and eat hearty....For tonight we dine in hell!

And mark my words, if I ever sign up for Farmville, any one of you reading this has full permission to put me out of my misery. Beat me over the head with a meat cleaver. You can even borrow mine. It's in the drawer to the left of the pantry, right next to the silicone brush.

Rant Potpourri

pot·pour·ri (p p -r )
n. pl. pot·pour·ris
1. A combination of incongruous things: "In the minds of many, the real and imagined causes for Russia's defeats quickly mingled into a potpourri of terrible fears" (W. Bruce Lincoln).
2. A miscellaneous anthology or collection: a potpourri of short stories and humorous verse.
3. A mixture of dried flower petals and spices used to scent the air.

Definition #2 above will serve as this evening’s rant theme. There is nothing to tie these together other than the fact that they need to be ranted, and I couldn’t decide which one should go first. And I’m not one to deny myself a good rant. I suppose that makes me a rant-glutton. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.

1.
LOL CATZ. What the HELL. Whoever created these damn things needs to be severely and eternally punished. I have half a mind to hunt this individual down and imprison him/her in a styrofoam cave whose only menu item is cooked carrots, and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNTxr2NJHa0 is on permanent loop in surround sound. Don’t know what LOL CATZ are? Consider yourself lucky. Curious? http://icanhascheezburger.com/ Please proceed with caution. You might want to drown yourself, and there is no lifeguard on duty.

Back to the rant. First off, cats are actually quite smart. And if they could read English they would be super pissed to know that the cyber world thinks of them as animals with severe speech impediments and complete lack of ability to spell correctly. If cats could talk, they would do so correctly, and with tremendous poise. If cats could spell, they would do so impeccably. If you’re going to put words in an animal’s mouth, geez, do some research first. Hey, LOL CATZ creator, just because something is cute doesn’t mean that it needs this baby talk crap. Yeah ok, you can has cheezburger. Right up your ass!

2.
Why is it that it is ok for small children to stare and point at things, and it’s not ok for me to? I want that privilege back, damnit! Kids get a free pass to stare at funny-looking-right-out-of-a-fairytale-people, extremely-obese-need-a-crane-and-a hole-in-the-roof-in-order-to-leave-the-house people, super-hot-drop-dead-gorgeous-please-wear-less-clothing-people, nearly-dead-just-recently-puked-red-wine-hungover-people, albino-omg-have-you-ever-been-outside-people, midgets, punks, emos, piercing addicts, and uglies. But if I’m caught staring at funny looking people, fatties, uglies, albinos or midgets, then I’m a Class A horrible person. If I’m caught staring at the hot people, then I’m creepy and probably mackin’ on some otha woman’s maaan. (I can’t believe I just used the word “mackin’”). If I’m caught staring at the emos, the punks, and the dudes with more metal in them than a 747, then I’m an unaccepting mainstream fashion slave prude. And if I’m staring at a hungover person, then Hangover Joe might get angry and throw up on me or crop dust me with Keystone Light fumes.

What kind of double standard is this? I want my staring rights back. I want to be able to stare are whatever I damn well please, and have the general public’s only reaction be…awww look she’s laughing! Peek-a-boo! Oh! I got your nose! But nooooooooo. It’s not socially acceptable for a 24 year old female to stare uninhibitedly at the world’s abnormalities. There’s gotta be some affirmative action clause that pertains to this injustice! I’m pulling the ageism card!

Together, we can fight this discrimination. Our first move – the political action Facebook status update**.

“No one should have to discriminate what they stare at based on their age. No one should refrain from staring at something truly hilarious or hideous just because they’re older than the age of 5. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.”

Yes, we can.

This message was not funded at taxpayer expense.

**Political talk on Facebook statuses will be ranted on in the near future. I promise. I’m salivating just thinking about it.

3.
Have you ever tried to not think about anything? I try it every single time I go to yoga, but every single time I try to not think – all I can think about is not thinking. And that itself is thinking, no? So, what to do?

Try it.
……………………..

You’re thinking about not thinking aren’t you?

It can’t be done.

Clearly, I’ve put a lot of thought into thinking about not thinking.

And this, friends, is why I need a job.

Everything You Ever Wanted To Know About Spider Sex, But Were Too Afraid To Ask

Until yesterday, there was one spider in my pantry. I'll refer to the spider as "it," because I don't know if it is a girl spider or a boy spider. Who knows how to tell? If you do, you're a loser. Or an entymology major, which is cool, but weird. So you're either a weirdo, or a loser. In some cases, both. We let it stay there because it was eating the moths that we have since killed with traps. Technically, now we could get rid of the spider because it no longer serves any purpose. But none of us are tall enough to reach the ceiling where the spider resides. Even with the stool that I use to reach my spices. Because of this severe lack of height, we have elected to just leave the spider alone.

Today, we discovered that out spider had a spider friend.

Crap.

What if they make baby spiders?

::Shuddder::

This led to an in depth conversation -- do spiders have sex? We've never seen it...do does it happen? Some bugs have sex. Dragonflies hump each other like there's no tomorrow! Swear, sometimes I just wanna grab them, rip them apart, and give them a good scolding: "For the love of everything that is holy, get at room!" Or at least hide behind a leaf-cluster or something. But noooo, dragonflies have got to do it in the wide open. It's like they're bragging or something. Whatever, they only have one position option. And I guess if my life span was only a month long, I might drop trou in the wide open too. So who can blame the horny bastards?

Back to spiders. I HATE spiders. I don't like bugs in general. I screamed like a pre-teen-red-bull-hyped-Jonas Brothers-fanatic last week when we had a cricket in the house. I am terrified of cockroaches, but I have sat on my porch and watched a bear eat my trash. Don't ask me about the logic, I can't explain it. I just hate bugs. But bugs with an excessive leg count are more terrifying than your average-everyday-run-of-the-mill-bug. As far as I'm concerned, there is no single logical reason for any organism to have more than 4 legs. The idea of spiders breeding in my pantry is bone-chilling. My pantry is my sanctuary. Creepy crawlies with more the neccessary number of legs and potentially fatal venom are not something that I am comfortable with having where my food resides.

My fear for spiders has nothing to do with the point of this entry, however. I'm here to blog about spider sex. I learned a lot today.

Spiders do, indeed, have sex. And this next part is where the rant really starts. (Finally!)

Special thanks for the Google search "do spiders have sex?" that led me to "How do spiders mate?" on eHow.com.

"Male spiders have their work cut out for them. When a male detects the signs of a female nearby, he first checks whether she is the same species and if she is ready to mate."

Well, that certainly is nice of male spiders. First, thanks for checking if the female is the right species. The same cannot be said for dogs. I can't tell you how many times my leg has been humped by a dog. Honestly, Fido -- get off me. It could never work between you and me. You eat poop, lick your own balls, you wear the same thing every day, and your farts are just plain intolerable. Please don't misconstrue the belly rub I gave to to mean anything more. And thanks, spiders, for checking to see if she's ready. Dogs don't ask. They just find an ankle and go to town on it. I got news for you, you damn mutt -- that's not where you're gonna find it. Although, if I'm being frank, good ol' Fido has got a better vag-compass than some. I'm just sayin'. Not speaking from experience, but I've heard stories.

"Spiders are known for using elaborate courtship rituals to entice females. Many believe that this is to prevent the larger females from eating the smaller males before mating can actually occur."

Well that shit is freaking hilarious! Hmmm.....mediocre sex or dinner? I'm not gonna lie, food might win over. Let's just be honest with ourselves here.

"Web-weaving spiders use precise patterns of vibrations in the web as a major part of their rituals, while patterns of touches on the female's body are an important part of courting for many spiders that hunt actively. "

Well shit, I guess female humans have more in common with female spiders than I thought. Vibrations? Patterns of touches? Um, duh.

"If courtship is successful, mating will begin. Male spiders do not produce ready-made packages of sperm to insert in the female by their genitals. They spin small sperm webs onto which they ejaculate and then transfer the sperm into syringe like structures on the tips of
their pedipalps. This whole procedure is done before the courtship begins."

Typical male. Counting on sex before he's sealed the deal. Or before he's earned it. Unless of course, all spider females are total skanks, in which case, I would commend Spidey for his forethought to plan ahead.

And I don't know what a "pedipalps" is, but I can only assume that it's just a spider pet-name for his junk. Like "Krog the Warrior King," or "The One Eyed Trouser Snake" or "Cockasaurus Rex."

Bottom line, adult human males have more in common with spider males than I am comfortable to admit. At least human males only have 2 legs. Although some like to claim that they have three. And really, buddy, stop fooling yourself.

So, to top it off....do you think that once female spiders go black, they never go back?

The world may never know.