Until yesterday, there was one spider in my pantry. I'll refer to the spider as "it," because I don't know if it is a girl spider or a boy spider. Who knows how to tell? If you do, you're a loser. Or an entymology major, which is cool, but weird. So you're either a weirdo, or a loser. In some cases, both. We let it stay there because it was eating the moths that we have since killed with traps. Technically, now we could get rid of the spider because it no longer serves any purpose. But none of us are tall enough to reach the ceiling where the spider resides. Even with the stool that I use to reach my spices. Because of this severe lack of height, we have elected to just leave the spider alone.
Today, we discovered that out spider had a spider friend.
Crap.
What if they make baby spiders?
::Shuddder::
This led to an in depth conversation -- do spiders have sex? We've never seen it...do does it happen? Some bugs have sex. Dragonflies hump each other like there's no tomorrow! Swear, sometimes I just wanna grab them, rip them apart, and give them a good scolding: "For the love of everything that is holy, get at room!" Or at least hide behind a leaf-cluster or something. But noooo, dragonflies have got to do it in the wide open. It's like they're bragging or something. Whatever, they only have one position option. And I guess if my life span was only a month long, I might drop trou in the wide open too. So who can blame the horny bastards?
Back to spiders. I HATE spiders. I don't like bugs in general. I screamed like a pre-teen-red-bull-hyped-Jonas Brothers-fanatic last week when we had a cricket in the house. I am terrified of cockroaches, but I have sat on my porch and watched a bear eat my trash. Don't ask me about the logic, I can't explain it. I just hate bugs. But bugs with an excessive leg count are more terrifying than your average-everyday-run-of-the-mill-bug. As far as I'm concerned, there is no single logical reason for any organism to have more than 4 legs. The idea of spiders breeding in my pantry is bone-chilling. My pantry is my sanctuary. Creepy crawlies with more the neccessary number of legs and potentially fatal venom are not something that I am comfortable with having where my food resides.
My fear for spiders has nothing to do with the point of this entry, however. I'm here to blog about spider sex. I learned a lot today.
Spiders do, indeed, have sex. And this next part is where the rant really starts. (Finally!)
Special thanks for the Google search "do spiders have sex?" that led me to "How do spiders mate?" on eHow.com.
"Male spiders have their work cut out for them. When a male detects the signs of a female nearby, he first checks whether she is the same species and if she is ready to mate."
Well, that certainly is nice of male spiders. First, thanks for checking if the female is the right species. The same cannot be said for dogs. I can't tell you how many times my leg has been humped by a dog. Honestly, Fido -- get off me. It could never work between you and me. You eat poop, lick your own balls, you wear the same thing every day, and your farts are just plain intolerable. Please don't misconstrue the belly rub I gave to to mean anything more. And thanks, spiders, for checking to see if she's ready. Dogs don't ask. They just find an ankle and go to town on it. I got news for you, you damn mutt -- that's not where you're gonna find it. Although, if I'm being frank, good ol' Fido has got a better vag-compass than some. I'm just sayin'. Not speaking from experience, but I've heard stories.
"Spiders are known for using elaborate courtship rituals to entice females. Many believe that this is to prevent the larger females from eating the smaller males before mating can actually occur."
Well that shit is freaking hilarious! Hmmm.....mediocre sex or dinner? I'm not gonna lie, food might win over. Let's just be honest with ourselves here.
"Web-weaving spiders use precise patterns of vibrations in the web as a major part of their rituals, while patterns of touches on the female's body are an important part of courting for many spiders that hunt actively. "
Well shit, I guess female humans have more in common with female spiders than I thought. Vibrations? Patterns of touches? Um, duh.
"If courtship is successful, mating will begin. Male spiders do not produce ready-made packages of sperm to insert in the female by their genitals. They spin small sperm webs onto which they ejaculate and then transfer the sperm into syringe like structures on the tips of
their pedipalps. This whole procedure is done before the courtship begins."
Typical male. Counting on sex before he's sealed the deal. Or before he's earned it. Unless of course, all spider females are total skanks, in which case, I would commend Spidey for his forethought to plan ahead.
And I don't know what a "pedipalps" is, but I can only assume that it's just a spider pet-name for his junk. Like "Krog the Warrior King," or "The One Eyed Trouser Snake" or "Cockasaurus Rex."
Bottom line, adult human males have more in common with spider males than I am comfortable to admit. At least human males only have 2 legs. Although some like to claim that they have three. And really, buddy, stop fooling yourself.
So, to top it off....do you think that once female spiders go black, they never go back?
The world may never know.
