pot·pour·ri (p p -r )
n. pl. pot·pour·ris
1. A combination of incongruous things: "In the minds of many, the real and imagined causes for Russia's defeats quickly mingled into a potpourri of terrible fears" (W. Bruce Lincoln).
2. A miscellaneous anthology or collection: a potpourri of short stories and humorous verse.
3. A mixture of dried flower petals and spices used to scent the air.
Definition #2 above will serve as this evening’s rant theme. There is nothing to tie these together other than the fact that they need to be ranted, and I couldn’t decide which one should go first. And I’m not one to deny myself a good rant. I suppose that makes me a rant-glutton. Whatever, I’m getting cheese fries.
1.
LOL CATZ. What the HELL. Whoever created these damn things needs to be severely and eternally punished. I have half a mind to hunt this individual down and imprison him/her in a styrofoam cave whose only menu item is cooked carrots, and this http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HNTxr2NJHa0 is on permanent loop in surround sound. Don’t know what LOL CATZ are? Consider yourself lucky. Curious? http://icanhascheezburger.com/ Please proceed with caution. You might want to drown yourself, and there is no lifeguard on duty.
Back to the rant. First off, cats are actually quite smart. And if they could read English they would be super pissed to know that the cyber world thinks of them as animals with severe speech impediments and complete lack of ability to spell correctly. If cats could talk, they would do so correctly, and with tremendous poise. If cats could spell, they would do so impeccably. If you’re going to put words in an animal’s mouth, geez, do some research first. Hey, LOL CATZ creator, just because something is cute doesn’t mean that it needs this baby talk crap. Yeah ok, you can has cheezburger. Right up your ass!
2.
Why is it that it is ok for small children to stare and point at things, and it’s not ok for me to? I want that privilege back, damnit! Kids get a free pass to stare at funny-looking-right-out-of-a-fairytale-people, extremely-obese-need-a-crane-and-a hole-in-the-roof-in-order-to-leave-the-house people, super-hot-drop-dead-gorgeous-please-wear-less-clothing-people, nearly-dead-just-recently-puked-red-wine-hungover-people, albino-omg-have-you-ever-been-outside-people, midgets, punks, emos, piercing addicts, and uglies. But if I’m caught staring at funny looking people, fatties, uglies, albinos or midgets, then I’m a Class A horrible person. If I’m caught staring at the hot people, then I’m creepy and probably mackin’ on some otha woman’s maaan. (I can’t believe I just used the word “mackin’”). If I’m caught staring at the emos, the punks, and the dudes with more metal in them than a 747, then I’m an unaccepting mainstream fashion slave prude. And if I’m staring at a hungover person, then Hangover Joe might get angry and throw up on me or crop dust me with Keystone Light fumes.
What kind of double standard is this? I want my staring rights back. I want to be able to stare are whatever I damn well please, and have the general public’s only reaction be…awww look she’s laughing! Peek-a-boo! Oh! I got your nose! But nooooooooo. It’s not socially acceptable for a 24 year old female to stare uninhibitedly at the world’s abnormalities. There’s gotta be some affirmative action clause that pertains to this injustice! I’m pulling the ageism card!
Together, we can fight this discrimination. Our first move – the political action Facebook status update**.
“No one should have to discriminate what they stare at based on their age. No one should refrain from staring at something truly hilarious or hideous just because they’re older than the age of 5. If you agree, please post this as your status for the rest of the day.”
Yes, we can.
This message was not funded at taxpayer expense.
**Political talk on Facebook statuses will be ranted on in the near future. I promise. I’m salivating just thinking about it.
3.
Have you ever tried to not think about anything? I try it every single time I go to yoga, but every single time I try to not think – all I can think about is not thinking. And that itself is thinking, no? So, what to do?
Try it.
……………………..
You’re thinking about not thinking aren’t you?
It can’t be done.
Clearly, I’ve put a lot of thought into thinking about not thinking.
And this, friends, is why I need a job.
