Facebook is the world's greatest avenue for procrastination.
No, I take that back.
Facebook is the UNIVERSE'S greatest avenue for procrastination.
You know I'm right.
I am unwilling to admit to the public the number of times that I log on to Facebook each day. It is frightening. I enter the Facebook world for a brief moment of relaxation, and it turns into a whirlwind of photo comments oh wow, Joey got really drunk this weekend, bumper sticker and flair searches lol this one reminds me of that one inside joke that one person made that one time, becoming a fan of anything haha I too am a fan of not being on fire, and of course, the unavoidable stalking moments ohhh...so cute treadmill guy from the gym is single now *poke!*.
You know I'm right.
We all do it, whether we choose to admit it or not. In a few years, some burnt out dotcom exec with a severe internet addiction will start a Facebookaholic Anonymous group, and we can all participate in the 12 step program toward recovery. Until then, we just all have to feed our addictions. And quite frankly, I'm ok with that. I'm not ready to give it up. In fact, there have only been a few times in my Facebook lifetime in which I have seriously considered cutting ties and going cold turkey. Each and every one of those times has been due to....
THE POLITICAL ACTION FACEBOOK STATUS UPDATE!!!
Duh - duh - duhhhhhhhhhhh.
And here we commence with the rant.
I have absolutely no desire to read what you think about Prop Whatever. I don't give a rat's ass about your opinion on the UC walkout. I couldn't care less about your stance on those hungry kids in Africa. I don't want to hear your whining about marriage equality. I don't need to hear what you have to say about illegal immigration, welfare, socialism, the war in Iraq, genocide in Darfur, George Bush's IQ, Obama's birth certificate, or how you define when life starts. Now, don't get me wrong, most of these are certainly important issues, and I have strong opinions on all of them. But damnit, I don't want to see it on Facebook. If you have ever posted anything political on your Facebook status, you have been hidden from my feed. I promise. I don't want to see it.
And no, if I agree, I won't post it as my status for the rest of the day. I will, however, post a smart ass comment in retaliation to yours, and flip the bird to your self righteous profile picture. And then you'll get clicked into the vast depths of hidden people that have also committed such an offense. Once you get clicked in, you've crossed the point of no return, there's no coming back. You're banned like Pewee Herman from elementary schools. If Dante were still breathing, I'm sure that he would reserve you people your very own circle of hell where you'd be forced to eat live kittens for all eternity.
Facebook statuses should be reserved for lighthearted humor, quick updates on day to day life, celebrity death announcements, life changing purchases, guitar hero high scores, triathlon splits, what you ate for dinner, mood descriptive philosophical song lyrics, today's hangover rating on a scale of 1 - 10, etc.
To help my readers understand, I have listed a number of acceptable status updates:
______ says, Patrick Swayze, Imma let you finish, but Michael Jackson had the best celebrity death OF ALL TIME!
______ wonders if we will ever experience a world where chickens can cross roads without having their motives questioned.
______ is slappa da bass, mon.
______ is the proud owner of a brand new feather bed. Thanks to the 576 parakeets that sacrificed so much to make this possible.
______is feasting on a scrumptious lobster, chocolate, eggplant and sardine salad for dinner.
If you're confused, please feel free to send me your status updates for my approval before you post. I've got spare time. Bottom line -- just say NO to the Political Action Facebook Status Update. If someone asks you if you want to post something political, go tell an adult right away. Be above the influence. Find your anti-drug.
We can take Facebook back. This is where we fight! Fellow Facebookers, ready your breakfast and eat hearty....For tonight we dine in hell!
And mark my words, if I ever sign up for Farmville, any one of you reading this has full permission to put me out of my misery. Beat me over the head with a meat cleaver. You can even borrow mine. It's in the drawer to the left of the pantry, right next to the silicone brush.
