There are few things in the world that are worse than a truly obnoxious person. And I encountered their queen last night.
To set the scene for you: A nice dinner catching up with a friend that had been out of town for a few months. Patio seating, beautiful evening, a giant avo bacon burger, and a cute guy in a soccer jersey sighting. (Sigh...) A nice atmosphere...until....cue Queen Obnoxious the Loud. I had to double take and make sure she wasn't a human megaphone. Nope. That voice box was all natural. She could be the town crier for New York City. Of course, only if the City of New York would consider hiring someone with 2 ounces worth of brains. Sitting 6 feet away, my back to her, I learned:
1. She calls her dad "Daddy" only when she wants something out of him.
2. She was on her way to an AXO party.
3. She only passed Spanish because she gave Professor Montoya a lap dance.
4. She thought Roe v. Wade was a debate about the best way to cross a river.
I might have made a few of those up.
Nonetheless (it's one word, look it up), she was nothing short of horrible.
And this is what leads me to wish that I had a mute button for obnoxious people. Not like that movie "Click" with Adam Sandler. That movie made me want to bitch slap Adam Sandler with Scuba Steve's left flipper, and then force Gatorade down his throat. But the concept of the human-remote is not a bad idea. I would have muted that girl faster than I mute the FreeCreditReport.com guy. He needs to shut up. No one cares that he's serving fish to tourists in T-Shirts. Buy a shredder, shred your receipts, don't shop online without a secure connection, and don't give your SSN out over the phone. If you're not stupid, you won't get your identity stolen, and your credit won't go to shit. Together, we can put this dude out of work. Then, instead of making horrible commercials, he really will have to serve fish to tourists to make a living. Ahhhh, sweet justice.
Back from Tangent Land....this girl was the epitome of annoying. I played cymbals in a marching band for 4 years. I can't hear anything. I wouldn't hear it if my roommate was being attacked by Lord Voldemort in the middle of the night. AND I HEARD EVERYTHING THIS GIRL SAID!
This brings me to my next point. My friend says, "She will never marry." To which I responded: "I hope not. Or at least not before me." And now we proceed into another tangent...
How is it that obnoxious people are in relationships, and I'm single? Maybe my answer to a finding Mr. Right is to triple the "likes" in my sentences, get one of those purse-dogs, and talk incessantly about John and Kate Plus 8. And while we're on the subject of John and Kate, someone needs to tell Kate Gosselin that it's a vagina, not a clown car*.
There's gotta be some reason. Do they lactate draft beer? Do $100 bills fly out of their ears? If you look deep into their eyes, can you catch the latest episode of SportsCenter? I will get to the bottom of this if it's the last thing I do.
And I'll start looking into getting an ESPN feed installed in my brain. I'll even spring for HD.
*Joke courtesy of my friend whose brain has a shell on it.
