I have a butt crack, you have a butt crack. All butt cracks are pretty much the same -- some are hairy, some rise higher than others, but really, a butt crack is a butt crack.
I don't need to see yours, thanks.
Unintentional butt crack appearance is just horrifying.
Now, I'll be the first to admit that a random, perfectly timed mooning is absolutely hilarious. Whether it's through a car window, on a river bank, at the Utah-Nevada border agricultural inspection, a commencement ceremony, or your grandmother's 80th birthday party -- the shock factor can be priceless. However, this rant is not intended to praise the random mooner. This is a rant about unintentional butt crack appearance.
WHY, honestly, WHY is this such a regular occurrence? When Joe the Plumber is working on my garbage disposal, I don't need to be introduced to his ass crevice! And why are plumbers always the biggest culprit? It makes me want to lobby the plumbers union and advocate mandatory belt usage in all plumbing jobs. And you can't not look at it. It's there, just waving at you, saying "Hey look at me, I'm an ass crack!" I called you to unclog my sink, not to get a first hand visual of the San Andreas Fault, thank you.
Ugh.
Or what about the girls that ride their bikes around town, with their little butt floss thongs sticking a full fist's length from their pant waist? Um, no Skankasaurus, we don't enjoy it. Or are you just trolling for some skeeze of a frat boy to drop a roofie in your tall-double-shot-iced-non-fat-tuxedo-mocha-no-whip, and take you back to the spank tank to "show you his guitar?" Meanwhile, the roofie kicks in, and he plays some Snow Patrol, and you wake up the next morning only to find yourself bike-of-shaming it home thongless, having lost your string to a thumbtack on his wall, and your dignity to a notch on his bedpost. Way to go, sweetheart you'll go far in this world. And by far, I mean straight to the corner of 5th and K.
And what about Speedo guy at yoga? Yeah, you. You stand right in front so everybody can watch. Aaannnd at the moment you stretch up for Half-Moon, the rest of us see a full moon. I was unaware that I would get an astronomy lesson with my yoga package. As if I weren't nauseous already.
Just say NO to unintentional butt crack. I've never been to Arizona, but I think I've seen enough Grand Canyons to serve me for a lifetime. Cover 'em up, folks.
