June 1, 2009 -- Things that prove that the human race is devolving:
1. Guys that sag their pants so far down that you can see their entire asses. Buy a freaking belt. You look stupid. And you have a hole in your skidmarked boxers. You know how that trend got started? In prison. Easy access. Swear. Heard it from my mom who heard it from some guy that's apparently a legit source. Think it's cool to act like prisoners? Try dropping the soap in front of a gargantuan lifer named Butch, and see how fast you barter your pruno stash for the nearest belt.
2. People that say the word “irregardless.” I don’t care if it’s been technically accepted as an alternative to “regardless.” This only serves as further proof that the human race is devolving, because we are so stupid that we add words to the dictionary that were made up by people that don’t know how to speak proper English. If you say it in front of me, rest assured, I am judging you.
3. People that have misspelled tattoos. Honestly. Invest in a dictionary before you permanently ink yourself. Here’s your sign.
4. Girls that wear miniskirts and Uggs at the same time. Did you get dressed in the dark?
5. People that end every sentence with “You know what I’m sayin’?” Yes. We do. And it was retarded. You don’t need to ask.
6. People that don’t use vowels in text messages. For the love of some higher deity, texting is not hard. And it takes you less than a second to type out the remainder of the word. This is not acceptable: “lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce*” I have come to accept acronyms such as “lol” “omg," "wtf" and “brb”. Those are phrases that would be annoying to type every time you want to cyber laugh, exclaim something exciting, show geniune confusion or disbelief or whenever you have to pee really badly. Even the occasional “u” or “ur” is alright if you’re in a hurry. But anything else is just idiotic. Thanks for textsfromlastnight.com for triggering this rant. Oh, and DFTBA.
7. Girls that insert “like” in between every single other word of their sentence. It like, totally like makes you look, like, hella stupid, and like dumber than a rock. Like, really. Honey, lay off the blonde hair dye, cut up Daddy’s credit card, pop open a Smirnoff Ice, and get a f***ing vocabulary book. Like soon, please.
8. People that cannot correctly use an apostrophe. Apostrophes are correctly used when they are to show possession, or indicate omission in a contracted word. I don’t care if you “really love margarita’s”. You now look stupid because apparently you love something that is possessed by a margarita, but you failed to tell me what that possession is. Now, if you told me that “you really love margaritas”, I would respond “I do too, let’s go have one.” Instead, I’m shaking my head at you, and we’re not going out for a drink. Sure, there are some exceptions, but being a smart ass by trying to point them out by commenting on this rant is not going to get you anywhere. You learned this in the 3rd grade. Were you too busy picking your nose with your #2 pencil to listen to the teacher?
9. Their, there, they’re, your, you’re, two, too, to. Please don’t get me started. See the last 2 sentences of Rant #8.
September 25th, 2008
What pissed me off: PETA writing a letter to Ben & Jerry's asking them to use human breast milk instead of cow's milk for their ice cream.
Oh man, don't get me started on PETA. I don't want any freakin' breast milk in my freakin' ice cream. GROSS. Damn crazy assed hippies. We decided here at the office that the newest flavor would have to be "Mother's Milky Way." DISGUSTING. I hate PETA. I'm having veal for dinner. And I'm gonna go buy a fur coat. And I might even buy a product that was tested on animals. And I'm going to go to the zoo. And I'll make sure to enjoy it. Good, PETA, you make some breast milk ice cream and see how well it sells. It's called capitalism. Go wear your hemp woven clothing and eat your goodamn hummus in some socialist country that won't give a crap about you either. (PS, I actually really like hummus).
June 23rd, 2008
I loooove Norah Jones. Love her. Her music is so sensual and calming. And one of the best songs is "Turn me on." At the Farmers' Market today, it was RUINED for me! This crazy broad with a mic and a saxophonist did their "rendition." CRAP. Beautiful song turned into something that made me want to cry out in pain. DON'T cover Norah unless you can do it right. I am extremely disgruntled. THEN her next song was trying to make Joplin's "Piece of my Heart" into a FREAKING BALLAD. NOOOO biatch, it's a rageous "Come and get me, damnit!" tune. IT'S NOT A SAXOPHONE ACCOMPANIED BALLAD!!!! HOW did you ruin JOPLIN and JONES in the same 10 minutes!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!??!?!??!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!?!??!!??! BAH! A pox on your house, crazy woman.
