This might be one of the most adorable things on the planet:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_OBlgSz8sSM&NR=1&feature=fvwp
Who doesn't love teeny tiny English children? They're precious. When I have kids, I think I might send them away to boarding toddler school for a year or two just so they come back talking with a cute little accent. I'll even help them retain it by sitting through a Hugh Grant movie or two. And I'll pronounce words like "shhhedule" and I'll call my fries chips, and I'll forget to brush my teeth once or twice. It will all be worth it because maybe, just maybe my kids will be that cute.
Not a bad idea, right?
This was at least my mentality until I encountered something that would make me regret the words I wrote above.
The Charlie Bit Me REMAKES.
Honestly. Don't you people have anything better to do than humililiate yourselves with some poorly reproduced spoof starring oversized, fully grown American people possessing three quarters of an ounce of talent?
Take this one, for example:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WaeuzeIWfUY&feature=related
I don't even know where to start, the baby talk from a fully grown male, the atrocious attempt at an accent, or the sheer lack or creativity of the copycat. I can't imagine any excuse for being that bored. You're in college, boys. It's called beer. Try it sometime.
At least those guys had the decency to do their own audio, unlike these kids:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MJG_LiN6heM&feature=related
It's like a Britney Spears concert gone wrong. I never thought I would see lip syncing come to such extremes. Someone needs to buy these boys a ball, kick them out of the house, and only let them come back inside when someone has a black eye. And make the front kid get a haircut, he looks like an ugly little girl.
There are more remakes than I care to think about. Please don't honor them with a hit on their video to investigate for yourself. Just take my word for it. They're dumber than a blond trying to smell a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
I guess we can't really blame these YouTube users. They've been subjected to remakes for their whole lives. Was 90210 really good enough to need a 2nd run? I don't think so. And don't even get me started on when the Saved By The Bell kids went to college. And the only thing that saved Boy Meets World in the post high school years was eye candy by way of Matthew Lawrence, and of course...good 'ol Feeney staying along for the ride.
If you really want to get me going, just bring up unnecessary sequels. I know you didn't ask, but you're reading my blog, so I'm gonna bet you're interested in what I have to say. If not, well then go watch some more Charlie copycats. Trust me, you're better off here.
In many cases, I prefer when the lack of sequel leaves the future of the characters up to the imagination of the viewer. I'm sorry, but I don't need to know the life story of the Little Mermaid's grand-daughter. I didn't really care what you did last summer, and I still don't care again this summer. Not only can golden retrievers not play basketball, but they sure as hell cannot ALSO play football. Talking pigs are cute when they're saving sheep on the farm, but I have no need to see that same talking pig tour the Statue of Liberty. And Elle Woods, your dog's mother probably wasn't harmed by the shampoo that spooky lab tested on her. And the amount of pink you wore in your second film toed the line of socially acceptable.
Not all sequels are bad. Some are truly amazing. But know when to quit, Mike Myers.
However, even if you're watching the first of a series, the pleasure of it can still be ruined by the other audience members at the theater. No, I'm not talking about the catty girls to the right that pop bubbles the entire time while clicking away on their cell phones. I'm talking about the giraffe that sits right in front of me. I'm the shortest person in the theater, and you've got a neck longer than a hockey stick. SERIOUSLY? Did you have to sit directly in front of me? I paid to see the screen, not to see the light dance about your bald spot. Sit somewhere else.
I have little use for tall people. They look down at me, taunting me, bragging about how fresh the air is up there, and how they can reach the spice cabinet without assistance. Whatever, Stilts, I feel the rain last, and I can still go in the ball pit at Chuck E. Cheese.
Speaking of disproportionate bodies, what's the deal with Barbie? Do you honestly believe that Kelly and Skipper are her sisters? No. Ken didn't wrap it. Twice. And how many career changes has this woman had? If Barbie lived in the real world, her student loans would outweigh all the money she could ever earn. And this doesn't even take into account her athletic training, plastic surgery, and wardrobe costs. And somehow, somewhere, she's had the time to pop out two equally overachieving daughters. They're the type of people you love to hate. I always thought Mattel should come out with Divorce Barbie: she comes with Ken's car, Ken's house, Ken's boat, Ken's motorhome, Ken's beach house in Maui.....sigh. It's an old joke, but it still cracks me up every time.
I think I'll take some of my own advice and quit while I'm ahead. Until something else is worth ranting, whatever. I'm getting cheesefries.
