I saw a car inside the grocery store today. It was one of those stupid Eurotrash hippie magnet tin can on wheels Smart Cars. I'm not down with those. They're lamesauce. Hey Smart Car driver, if I sideswipe you with our ski-bum tank of a Suburban, you're going to be freeway debris and I'll drive away without ever feeling the dent.
Who makes these things, Hot Wheels?
Everything is getting smaller these days. Except for those things that are getting bigger of course. But enlargement of things is fodder for another day's rant. (That's what she said?)
I'm OK with the cell phones getting smaller. It leaves more room for gum and mace in my purse.
I'm OK with clothes sizes getting smaller. It gives us something to aspire to. That is, if what you're going for is looking like you're pregnant when all you've done is swallow a meatball . (Ahem, Nicole Ritchie).
I'm OK with the average size of dogs getting smaller. I'm all for purse dogs. They give me something to laugh at, and they're great for practicing kicking field goals.
I'm even OK with cars getting smaller. I'm not going to drive one of those dinky little things, but at least when their douche of a driver takes up two spaces on a busy street, I can rally a few bystanders together, and we can pick the poor thing up and move it to a handicapped spot to guarantee a whopper of a ticket to Liberal Joe, the Smart Car dufus.
Generally, I can deal with the decreasing size of many things. But recently I have been enraged by one particular downsizing. It violates everything that is good in this world. I refer, friends, to...
The Fun Sized Snickers.
Have you noticed how much smaller it has gotten? Not cool, Mars. NOT COOL. The chocolate to nougat to peanut to caramel ratio was perfect as it was. Why would you change something like that? And don't you dare say to combat childhood obesity, because that is a giant load of crap. Children are obese because their parents don't make their whiny little asses eat their broccoli. The size of the Snickers has nothing to do with it. The Fun Sized Snickers are not nearly as fun as they used to be. They should change their name to "Not As Much Fun Sized Snickers." Or to "Extremely Disappointing Snickers." I think I will adopt Almond Joy as my Snickers boycott sponsor. I thought about Milky Way to try and mimic the Snickers flavor compilation minus the nuts, but then after careful research, I found that Milky Way is also Mars owned. The same goes for Twix. 3 Musketeers wasn't even an option. All for one and one for GROSS. 45% less fat, 100% less taste. Then I thought about Baby Ruth, but I just can't bear the image of Bill Murray pulling it out of the pool, taking a whiff, and then taking a giant bite of what appears to be a solid log of human waste. And Pay Days are not widely available, so I just can't chance it. I can only stomach a limited amount of Butterfinger, and it makes a mess which is undesirable when trying to look like a lady while om nom nomming a candy bar. Almond Joy it is. Pure coconut decadence with a side of the essential proteins of a nut.
Speaking of candy, did you know that Nestle owns Jenny Craig? Now that's just hilarious. Again, we find ourselves on the subject of marketing genius. Nestle markets its candy bars, people buy them, eat too many of them, can't fit into their clothes, sign up for Jenny Craig, and again Nestle profits.
Folks, Nestle is profiting on both the weight gain and the weight loss of America. Now that's the way to conquer the business world. Next merger? Smirnoff and Alcoholics Anonymous. Or maybe Marlboro and Nicorette. Or Chiplotle and Chipotl-away. The possibilities are endless.
