When you look at the image above what comes to mind? If it's "YUM, that's great tequila!" then congratulations, YOU are the subject of today's rant. Aren't you lucky.For all you Patron lovers out there: It's not as awesome as you think. Really. You're just flat wrong. You, my little lemming of ignorance, are a victim of an absolutely fantastic marketing ploy. Patron is in fact, liquid crap. Now, don't get me wrong -- Patron is a gazzilion times better than Senor Jose's agave urine, Sauza juice, or the God-awful Bandolero liquid hell. BUT! It's definitely not worth what you're paying for it. As you slap down your 45 bones for some fancily packaged craptastic drunk potion, the Patron marketing team is laughing their asses off over a pitcher of Centenario Anejo margaritas, relishing in their success in taking the money of another American sucker. I commend those dudes. I hope to be that good at marketing some day. It shouldn't be too hard. All I have to do is take something crappy, put it in a nice bottle, wrap it up in a shiny box, and give it to rappers to slam down beats about. Success. Screw grad school, my business plan is set.
And while we're on the subject of rappers, who in God's name is "Shawty?" This woman that every damn rapper has got something to sing about. The girl must be a giant skankasaurus, and I'm sure her crotch is one of those "hot dog in a hallway" situations.
Back to tequila. Silver tequila also makes me very very angry. So many people are all like, "Blanco is soooo much better than gold tequila, it's so much smoother." You're wrong. Blanco goes straight from the steel fermentation tank to the bottle. Gold tequila goes into oaked barrels and is allowed to absorb the lucious oakey flavors as it mellows into a tasty treat. You people that are all about the silver are just uninformed and again, victims of a genius marketing team. Feliz Navidad, homes.
Bottom line, if you like paying a crapload for harsh, crappy tequila, please by all means, buy Patron Silver.
But the bottle sure is pretty, isn't it?
Speaking of pretty things, the picture below is certainly not.
What's the deal with the low rider trucks? If you ask me, they're one of the stupidest things known to mankind.
TRUCKS ARE FOR UTILITY PURPOSES! WHY? WHY? WHY??? Would you lower them to 1.4765 inches from the ground so you can't even drive over so much as a pebble? Trucks are made for driving over dirt, hauling manly things, and attracting girls like me. Your low risin' truck can't drive over a piece of hardened dog crap, and it ain't gonna get you no bitches. It can't even haul your mama, who by the way, is so fat that when she goes to the movies, she sits next to eeeeeverybody. No. Your low rider truck is the stupidest thing I have ever seen. Your "sweet ass ride" looks like a steel caterpillar. And you know what I do when I see a caterpillar? I scream and flick it away.
Have you ever noticed that the level of pants directly correlates to the level of lowrider vehicle? And the level of the vehicle directly correlates to the level of intelligence of its owner. Or really, who are we kidding? These people don't actually own their cars, their moms do. And if they do, by some snowball's chance in hell, own their truck, well then, shouldn't that money be better spent on child support?
Yeah, I went there.
Now, to the classy side of life.
I have never seen something as contradictory as the stemless white wine glass. Really? White wine is to be drank chilled. Your hands exude heat at 98.4 degrees Fahrenheit. What part of this do you not understand, wine glass manufacturers? When you drink white wine, please for the love of Dionysus, HOLD IT BY THE STEM! Keep your wine chilled! When you have no option of a stem, your best option is drinking handless with a straw and looking like a Grade A Dufus. At least when people drink white wine out of a red party cup, or a coffee mug, or straight out of the damn bottle, they know they're being ghettofabulous. These folks just want to get wasted. That's cool. I've had my share of those moments. But the stemless white wine glass people -- I just wanna backhand you across the face. You're following a trend that is contradictory to the principles and etiquette that pertain to white wine drinking. Drink all the red wine you want out of a stemless glass, I don't care. But if you're popping open a chilled Chardonnay, please, PLEASE give that sweet nectar some respect and drink out of something with a stem. That's why it's there.Lastly, I do not know what "Hyphy" means.
Do you know what I am saying?
