Welcome to the neighborhood.

Today commenced what could be a vicious series of satirical rants covering a single subject: my HOA. As a proponent for the downsizing of government, it is no thrill of mine that my Homeowner's Association bleeds me dry while offering in return alleged services that I have yet to see.

And so I commence.

This evening, while helping myself to a bowl of uterus preservation miso soup with extra tofu, I came across a plain white envelope with the return address to a PO Box located in who knows where. (Apparently, the menial task of creating a nuisance in the homeowner's daily life has been outsourced.) Reluctantly, I began to tear away at what must have been NASA approved adhesive expecting to see a charming $67 bill alongside a newsletter reminding residents to keep their dogs and children on leashes.

I was wrong.

Please examine the following. Some parts have been altered to protect the identity of the blogger. Because it's a "secret."

RE: Lot#XXX -- "Unfenced Area" Landscape/Bark Replacement

Dear Ms. CheeseFriesRants,

During a community inspection on October 19, 2010, it was noted that your yard was in need to maintenance, specifically, your bark needed to be replaced.

My first reaction: "WTF, I have bark?"

Immediately, I verbally compose my soon-to-be-written response:

RE: Lot#XXX -- "Unfenced Area" Landscape/Bark Replacement

Dear Ms. Scribe of all things HOA,

I do not know where my bark is. Please advise.

Instinctively, however, I decide to venture out into my front yard to investigate the alleged lack of bark presence.

Indeed, I have a plot in which bark resides. However, the HOA and I differ in opinion as to the appropriate ratio of bark to dirt per square inch.

The letter then proceeded to inform me that I am in violation of section B-4 f) of the Association's governing documents.

I guess I should have read those.

In my defense, my chihuahua hand was already shaking from signing the 800,000 other loan ad title documents, 60% of which described me as "an unmarried female." Well thanks for rubbing it in, Federal Housing Authority. It's agencies like you that have driven me to eat my daily dose of soy product so to preserve my reproductive system for the long haul.

Please replace your bark with the similar color and style no later than November 4, 2010.

Not only do I have to augment my bark to dirt ratio, but I also have to replace it according the exact color scheme which her Majesty's HOA has selected. And I have a deadline. Well at least they said please.

Can somebody tell me where my $67 a month is going? As I have learned through this emotionally taxing ordeal, it's not paying for bark. My bet is that it goes straight into a slush fund harbored by the HOA Workers Union to keep it in power. Backed by the Committee for Worthless Crap (CFWC), the Union is no doubt involved in back-room deals with corrupt, embezzling politicians.

My options for response are twofold:

1) Ignore the above letter, and wait to see if the HOA is all bark and no bite. Yes, that pun is intended.

2) Replace the bark, but continue to gripe. Upon completion of bark replacement, silently form a mutiny to overthrow the regime in the name of Patriotism.

I'll elect for the latter. Readers beware, the HOA lake may soon find itself tasting a hint of Lipton Chamomile.