My most recent flare-up occurred today in a location which will remain un-mentioned so to protect the identity of the subject, a male in the latter half of his twenties with beady little eyes, raised eyebrows, and a smirk that just oozes "brown nosing smart ass." There is no single person on earth that is more annoying than this individual. Indeed, the Guinness Book of World Records has scored him as "most toolest of all tools" in recorded history. Additionally, the Oxford English Dictionary 2011 edition will feature his picture alongside the definition for "snot nosed little bitch." In recent news, he just beat out Nancy Pelosi for "person I would most prefer to see step in a cow-who-had-Indian-food-for-lunch's manure with bare feet."
I think I've made my point.
Darwin must have been full of crap because this guy should have been weeded out of the evolution chain eons ago. What horrible combination sperm and egg came together to produce a genetic code that built such a horrendous case of annoyose overexposure? Some poor egg must have been quite intoxicated in order to permit fertilization from a sperm coded for such an atrocity. I sure hope she learned her lesson about tequila. (Honestly, what else could it have been? Surely, it was the tequila.)
Truthfully, if my kitten were as annoying as him, I would shave her tail, glue plastic craft googly eyes to her backside, make her walk backwards, and forbid her to ever meow. Ever.
Shouldn't they have some sort of spray-on repellent for this guy? Talk about a perfect recombinant innovation. Sell it right next to the OFF with extra deet. A few sprays will do the trick. I have taken the liberty of brainstorming a quick recipe for those of you that would like to try concocting the potion on your own:
1 cup "nobody gives a crap about what you just said"
3 TBSP "please stop talking now"
1/4 cup eyebrow lowering powder (generic brand will do)
Pinch of "how in the world was that a relevant point"
2 TSP "seriously?"
1/2 cup "are you still talking?"
Mix all ingredients together into a paste, being careful to break up any clumps. Add 2 cups water, bring to boil, constantly stirring. Let simmer for 2 minutes, then let cool to room temperature. Transfer mixture into a Super Soaker and aim directly for the head of your subject. Simultaneously pull trigger and yell Sparta-style the following phrase: "Take that, beady eyed brown nosing tool!" The more Sparta your battle cry the more effective your repellent will be.
Please report back to me with your results. Preliminary studies have shown extreme feelings of satisfaction and among 9 out of every 10 annoyose intolerant patients. FDA approval is only a matter of time.
Until then, be safe out there.
